David Mendoza -- Illuminating the borders through a third party Here are some line-by-line comments again. Your writing is improving somewhat, but the only way to keep improving is to practice, practice, practice, and keep working on it. The parallelism between the Othello written by William Shakespeare and Mehmet Ali Sanlikol’s Othello in the Seraglio is quite remarkable. The maneuvers that Sanlikol and the writer of the opera illuminate the borders presented in the play. The maneuvers consist of the twisted feelings <== I know what you are trying to say here, but the choice of words is not the best because "twisted feelings" could mean lots of other things. It would be better to say something like "changes or reversals in emotions" as well as the plot. In order to twist the feelings and plot, Sanlikol and the writers use the storytellers <== There is only *one* storyteller, and I don't see that the storyteller is that important for the changes in the story. It's a convention. as well as the props used during the performance. As a result of this twist, new borders are made clearer. Such as borders of status and lovers. <== this is not a complete sentence. *Come to office hours next week and we can talk about why I keep flagging this and what you need to do to fix this error.* The role that the storyteller plays is one of the tactics that Sanlikol and the writer of the opera, allows us to see the border of status within the play Othello. <== Why is the use of the storyteller so important? Couldn't that really be a compromise forced by the need to present the story, with the music, in a relatively short performance? Mehmet Ali Sanlikol’s Othello who is Sumbul in the Seraglio, starts off by being introduced to a storyteller who discusses a parallel version of Othello. <== Again, I know what you are trying to say, but this sentence does not really make sense. I think you meant something like: "The character Sumbul in 'Othello in the Seraglio,' who corresponds to Othello in Shakespeare's play, is introduced by a storyteller, who proceeds to discuss a parallel version of the story." In this version Sumbul's background is explained how <== You need something like a dash or a colon after "explained" if you want to say it this way. But it would be better to rephrase the sentence like this: "In this version, the author explains Sumbul's background by saying that he started off being poor, then rose in the ranks of society." Active voice is usually better than passive voice. Ask me to explain this if you don't know what that means. he started off being poor then rising in the ranks of society. Later on he bought a slave who he loved, then married her to bear a son. <== This is not correct. Sumbul is a eunuch. Look that word up if you don't know what it means. By being a eunuch, Sumbul is incapable of fathering a son. However, their status is presented. <== What were you trying to say there? This doesn't mean anything by itself. The Sumbul in the play was once a poor and now a wealthy man while Suzan is a slave who is Desdemona in the play. Although this is not presented in the same way in the play. <== This is another incomplete sentence. See comment above! The contrast is that Desdemona is in a wealthy position while Othello rose through the ranks. Although it is not clearly represented it is still used when Othello is being described and presented. <== How is it "not clearly represented?" Shakespeare is very explicit about who Desdemona's father is and what her status is. This is shown <== what is shown? when Desdemona's father comes to rebuke him for having a relationship with his daughter. The twist presented in here is a twist with the plot of the story. As a result of this twist, the border of status is brought up. This shed’s <== should be sheds (no apostrophe) some light because it is not clearly recognizable. <== what isn't recognizable?? But what this border actually causes is a separation between people. Although these have the same border they are presented in two different ways. In Mehmet Ali Sanlikol’s Othello in the Seraglio, the two lovers at first are separated by the classes. <== separated by class difference? One is wealthy while the other is a slave. In the play Othello, Brabantio attempts to separate them through the Venetian court. <== This needs more explanation. Brabantio asks the Duke to intervene and keep Othello from continuing his relationship with Desdemona. These borders tend to merge within people’s mind, <== should be "peoples' minds" thus leading to treating people different. <== "leading to their treating others differently" Another twist that occurs is the characters emotions that helped shed light on the border of lovers <== what does "borders of lovers" mean? through the use of props and singing; particularly the colors of the sashes, each color relates to the character. On top of that, the singing allow for us to understand the emotions each character felt. <== Good! That's a key feature of the opera genre. The most important <== the most important thing? to understand is Iago who is Mustafa in the performance. Mustafa had a red sash with a mask that appeared to stick on to his face; the mask was a part of him. The meaning of red has a tendency for rage, blood, love, violence, or passion. But in this case , it is passion and violence. The reason for these two is within the singing he cries out for Suzan, however she is married. The love he has turns into violence towards Sumbul. <== I don't agree with that. Neither Iago nor Mustafa is openly violent. They do all their dirty work by creating jealousy and getting their targets to do the violence. Thus, by seeking Suzan, when Sumbul is told of these encounters, he is filled with emotional distress. On the contrary within Othello’s shakespeare, <== Shakespeare's Othello? Iago has a burning hatred toward the two. <== which two? I can't think of a place where he expresses hatred toward Desdemona. However within Shakespear’s Othello. Rodrigo is the one who is in love with Desdemona thus prompts Iago to help. <== what?? So similarly the stress of not getting the opportunity kills him. <== I have no idea what you meant here. Opportunity to do what?? Due to this emotional distress, the love of border <== what is a "love of border?" Did you mean a "border of love (maybe unrequited love)?? That's what the next section is getting at. is born in both . Although Iago loves Desdemona however another got to her first through an auction out of love. Thus, inevitably a border is created because of two lovers being in love with a single being; a border where lovers wait on the other side waiting for a response from the one being loved. But once she makes her decision, then one side will be left with emotions unanswered and a displeased heart. Although this does not appear clearly, there are two lovers in Othello. The two lovers are Othello and Roderigo. Although Othello is not waiting for an answer there is still a fight for her. Through these tactics, borders such as love are made clearer. Now the question arises, how shall we transcend these borders? The simple answer is to move on and leave the emotions behind. Iago did not leave his emotions, thus he is consumed by this anger. He ends up dying because of his emotions. <== Isn't the fact that he has maneuvered Othello into killing Desdemona and then Othello into killing himself a far more important aspect of the story?? For the borders between status, it is something that means nothing. <== I can guess what you meant here, but this sounds totally wrong the way you wrote it. Earlier, you spent a great deal of time showing how the difference status between Othello and Desdemona made it almost impossible for their relationship to "work." How can that be "nothing?" It is something to overcome just like Othello and Desdemona in both of the stories. I would say there is a basic "maneuver" of substitutions or reversals that goes even deeper than the examples you have mentioned. These involve several different aspects of the Venice-Turkey relationship, or the basic traits of characters or the relationships between characters. To me, these all have the effect of shining a light on those relationships "from the other side," so to speak. For instance: Shakespeare Sanlikol Venice's "colony" on Cyprus is Turkey's "colony" on Cyprus potentially under attack by Turkey is potentially under attack by Venice Othello is a black Moorish warrior Sumbul is a black eunuch for Venice who tries to negotiate peace for Turkey Desdemona is daughter of a senator Suzan is a slave Iago is motivated mostly by hate Frenk Mustapha is motivated for Othello (and Cassio) mostly by love for Suzan There are several other substitutions or reversals of this type too. Grade: 78 (C+)