Jillian Bowdring -- Transcending Borders Through an Unstable Mind (paper 2 rewrite)

   
   I think this is a good improvement over the first draft of the paper in terms of the 
   content and the use of the theme of borders.   The main thing I would say now is that 
   your writing seems to get "carried away" sometimes when you are considering a "big question"
   or when you are excited about some idea.  It's OK to get excited, but not if that causes 
   the reader difficulty in interpreting what you are trying to say. Below, I go through a 
   specific paragraph where this happened so you can see what I mean.  

   Some additional comments

   (1) At the top of page 2: 

   ... us remember or perceive others from one's past.  This could be Xerxes problem; ...

   seems to have something missing at the start ("to remember"?).  Then Xerxes should 
   be possessive.  But you are not consistent about that elsewhere in the paper.
   "Xerxes's" and "Xerxes'" are both technically correct because of the final s in the
   name.  However, I think the second one, "Xerxes'" would be preferable because it's
   awkward to have the two s's right together around the apostrophe.

   (2)  Here's the paragraph I mentioned above:

   This egocentricity can be depicted <= word choice?  Did you mean "detected"?

   when he doesn’t regard the idea of the human life of others, when sacrificing Pythio’s 
   eldest son, to then turning it around on himself and weeping about the death of his own 
   soldiers.  <= This is a run-on sentence.  Should be split into two.

   What constitutes the border of selfishness? One of altruism? <= Does "one" refer back
                                                                   to "border" in the sentence
                                                                   before?  This is not clear.
                                                                   Also, wouldn't altruism be
                                                                   what lies on the other side
                                                                   of a border, with selfishness
                                                                   on one side and altruism on
                                                                   the other?  
 
   One is selfish for the ultimate motive to try to change and control their fate.  <= ?
                                                                    This is quite cryptic because 
                                                                    the grammar is not clear.  Did
                                                                    you mean that the ultimate motive
                                                                    for selfishness is a desire
                                                                    to control and change one's fate?
                                                                            

   This border <= what border?  

   is passed and deemed “too far”, once someone else is selfish towards them, <= ?? I don't follow

   crossing into their own personal business. For example, what constitutes justification 
   Xerxes cries about the future death of his soldiers, rather than when he kills Pythio’s 
   son?  <= Again, this just isn't clear.  Do you mean to ask "How can Xerxes justify 
            crying about the future death of his soldiers when he does not cry after 
            killing Pythio's son?"

   Xerxes’ journey is not just one of winning a war, but also one of selfish motives. 
   In this way, it is better to stay in the middle ground between both <= don't need "both" here

   selfishness and altruism. <= Why the middle ground here?  Why isn't altruism a 
                                better (or at least a reasonable) alternative?

   To avoid unstable emotions, achieve middle ground by looking out for one’s 
   self, while at the same time, looking out for others (which Xerxes has a problem with). 

   <= You seem to be saying that if one went too far in the opposite direction (to a 
   life of total altruism), then that would be just as bad, or maybe almost as bad
   as what Xerxes did.  Is that what you meant?  

   Content:  A-

   Mechanics:  B+