Ave Taylor-Kelley -- Customs of the Egyptians

  General comment to everyone:  Be sure you articulate why you are calling some things 
  *borders* or *boundaries* (i.e. things that divide some place from another place or 
  some people from others, while at the same time forming a connection between them).  
  Some of you seem to be using those words almost as synonyms for "differences," but there is 
  more to it than that because you aren't always working in the idea of simultaneous 
  *separation* and *connection*. 

  Ave, the general comment above applies strongly to what you are saying in your opening
  paragraph.  For your rewrite, you should start by rethinking that introduction. Your goal 
  should be to lay out the exact borders that you are going to consider, not just say there 
  are borders.  I think the first thing to concentrate on is the way Herodotus frames his 
  description of Egyptian customs by introducing the "entirely opposite" idea.  You could say 
  something like "Herodotus is claiming that there is a border between Egyptian customs and 
  those of all other societies defined by the fact that the Egyptians do everything in a 
  completely opposite way."  Note that this is certainly a separation. But it is also a 
  connection (in a certain way) because, in order to describe the Egyptian customs, Herodotus 
  compares them to customs of the Greeks and of other peoples through that idea.  

  Toward the end (pages 2 and 3) you introduce the ideas that people sometimes claim
  one culture is better than another.  Do you think Herodotus is saying that the
  Greek culture is better than the Egyptian culture?  I don't really see it.  In fact,
  to me, the only clearly judgmental thing Herodotus says here is that the Egyptians
  themselves say their way of writing is "right" and the Greek way of writing is "left-handed."
  (see 2.36.4).  You probably want to rethink this.  

  Some writing points:

  In the sentence "Even when young the egyptians have different norms when it comes to the 
  care of their family, mainly their parents," I'm not so sure why you are singling
  out the idea that being young is the most important thing here.  If you look
  at what Herodotus actually says, this is another example of
  a difference in gender roles -- that is, the sons are not required to look 
  after the parents if they don't want to, but the daughters are required to 
  do that even if they don't want to.  You explain that in the next sentences, 
  but your topic sentence doesn't indicate what the paragraph is really about.   
  Plus, you could really use a comma after "young" and "egyptians" should be capitalized.

  The next paragraph could also use some work.  The main topic here is really how 
  Egyptians' grooming habits are different.  But the topic sentence:  "Many of the 
  world expresses mourning, especially those closest to the deceased, by cutting 
  all their hair at once" is only talking about one part of that.  Besides, the
  sentence itself is awkward.  How about adding a general topic sentence for that
  paragraph, then putting this one in a rewritten form something like "In many cultures, 
  people express mourning by cutting all their hair at once, especially those closest 
  to the deceased" next.  Also, it's best to avoid saying "Stuff like this" in formal 
  writing -- not the right tone :)
  
  In terms of the attached writing rubric, I would say most of this is at the "Proficient"
  level, but the "Originality" and the "Supporting Claims" subcategories are probably more 
  like "Basic." Don't take that as a really harsh criticism, though.  I think you could address 
  this by being more careful and thoughtful about what counts as a boundary and then 
  paying more careful attention to the ways Herodotus structures his account according
  to that boundary.  

  Content:  B-

  Mechanics:  B