Jillian Bowdring -- "Transcending Borders through a Hypocritical Mind"

  General comment to everyone:  Be sure you articulate why you are calling some things 
  *borders* or *boundaries* (i.e. things that divide some place from another place or 
  some people from others, or ... ,  while at the same time forming a connection between them).  
  Some of you seem to be using those words almost as synonyms for "differences," but there is 
  more to it than that because you aren't always working in the idea of simultaneous 
  *separation* and *connection*. 

  I'm glad to see that you have removed the characterization of Xerxes as "hypocritical"
  in the text.  I don't think that was justified.  But note that this has survived in
  your title :)  You should rethink that for your rewrite.  

  You don't need the first two sentences of your introductory paragraph.  For this assignment, 
  just plunging right in with something like:  "In sections 7.46-47 of Herodotus's Histories,
  Xerxes' army has just marched into Lydia with great confidence and energy" would be 
  much preferable to set your scene.  (Note that I used the present there to make it even more 
  immediate.)  

  "Abydos" is the name of the location where these incidents happened, not a person's name.  

  You're editorializing a bit at the bottom of page 1: Xerxes doesn't actually say "what doesn't 
  kill us makes us stronger."  That is usually attributed to the 19th century German 
  philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. 

  Top of page 2:  "flare" is not the word you want -- look up "flare" and "flair" and
  note the difference.

  In line with the general comment above, "vast borders of emotion and behavior"  
  "border of selfishness and altruism" don't quite hit the mark.  You can have a border 
  between different emotional states, or between different behaviors, or between selfishness
  and altruism.  But a border has to simultaneously have an element of separation 
  and an element of connection.  

  On the other hand, I'm not quite sure what a "border of caution to success" would mean.
  Just being active (not being cautious) does not guarantee success.    

  As I mentioned before, the use of the ideas from Aristotle is very good here.
  Xerxes is clearly far from that middle ground that Aristotle is advocating as the 
  proper way to live.  

  Your final paragraph needs some revision because of other changes you have made
  and because it seems a bit overstated.  You have removed the reference to 
  Tolstoy, but you still mention "Ivan."  It is not clear exactly what
  borders you are referring to in "if society transcends the borders that are so 
  evident today.  Standing tall and strong, they are only bringing people further and
  further away from each other"  (and it should be "farther," not "further").  What
  is the "epidemic" you are referring to? 

  In terms of the attached writing rubric, I would say that most of the categories are
  at the "Proficient" level, with a few "Advanced" points (especially the "Originality"
  subcategory under "Content.") 

  Content:  B+

  Mechanics:  B+