Zack Wawrzyk -- "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

  In thinking about the Mark Twain quotation that was part of the prompt
  for this assignment, I think it's necessary to recall that Twain was first
  and foremost a "humorist" and a satirist -- his first goal in almost everything 
  he said and wrote was *to make people laugh* (at others and at themselves) 
  and then to get them to think about how silly a lot of their preconceptions 
  and actions are.   So it seems to me that his idea that aging in reverse 
  would lead to an "infinitely happier life" is not really a serious proposal. It's 
  a way to get us to laugh about the indignities of aging.  He wants us to think 
  about whether being young is really any better than being old and whether life 
  really would be any better "in reverse."    

  I think you're actually taking Twain too literally/seriously yourself, but your 
  essay relating to this idea from the story has some good points. 
  I think there is one key issue that you are "dancing around" -- I think 
  you understand this, but never really state explicitly so you can't really capitalize 
  on it in the other things you are saying.  If *everyone* was aging "in reverse" 
  together, then that would be normal and there wouldn't be any story.  But an 
  individual living "in reverse" in a world of people aging in the normal direction 
  faces the obstacles you discuss at almost every step of the way.  Even though 
  he or she might have many of the same physical-age-appropriate experiences as other
  people, his or her physical appearance and condition will always be out of step 
  with his or her mental age *from the point of view of those other people*.    
  So it's not just the direction of aging by itself that is the really important 
  point.  It's how that direction of aging makes you in step or out of step with 
  everyone around you that really matters for how things play out in this story.

  The main problem I see here is that your writing is very rough and you need to 
  concentrate on improving it now.  What you write is not always clear and it 
  has quite a few small errors that detract from the overall effect.  Let's go 
  through your opening paragraph one sentence at a time to discuss what I mean:
  
  "The progression of life for a person is a plethora of experiences and emotions, 
  both which mature for decades until the point of a natural death, usually being 
  the result of physical or mental deterioration."

  This is wordy and not very clearly expressed.  How can experiences mature? 
  Technically, it is also a run-on.  Don't string clauses together with commas 
  this way -- split it up into several sentences!  The word "plethora" reeks 
  of the thesaurus -- it's just not a word most of us would use in everyday speech, 
  so it sounds artificial. I think you actually mean something like this:  

  "In a normal life, a person has a great many different experiences and emotions
  as he or she matures. This continues until death, which is usually the result of 
  physical or mental deterioration."  

  The next sentence:

  "For a person like Benjamin Button who ages backwards and becomes young over time 
   is a sharp contrast to the normal life style of starting young and growing older 
   until death."

  has something missing -- it just doesn't make sense as it stands. Also, are there
  any people "like Benjamin Button?"  Again, I think
  you meant something like the following (note the commas around the subordinate 
  clause and the use of "this" to refer back to the idea in the previous sentence):

  "The experience of Benjamin Button, who ages backwards and becomes younger over 
  time, contrasts sharply with this."

  Next you wrote:

  "Conceptually, his mind would work differently than every other human in which he
   feels his life is going to consistently get better and can do more things as he 
   gets older, or in his case become physically younger.

  I had to guess what you meant here -- it's very unclear.  Did you mean something
  like:

  "His mind works differently since he feels his life is constantly improving and
   he sees that he can do more things as he ages chronologically, yet becomes
   physically younger."

  The next sentence: 

  "Most people try to make the most out of every second because they don't know how 
  long they will live for."
  
  is basically OK, but you don't want the "for" at the end -- just take it out.

  The last sentence in the opening paragraph: 

  "People know that their deaths will be ultimately fulfilled, but, as Twain 
  commented, he believes that life would be more fulfilling for those that 
  progressively become younger; knowing that one will become happier over the 
  prospect that life will end in a less painful or heartbreaking way through 
  the ailments that come with old age."

  is much too complicated.  First, I don't know what it means to say a death
  will be "fulfilled."   The second part of it is also very hard to follow.
  Split this up!  And is this what you meant?

  "Twain suggests that life would be more fulfilling for those who could
  become progressively younger throughout their lives.  Finishing life 
  aging in reverse would yield a less painful and heartbreaking end 
  than one produced by the ailments that come with a normal old age."

  But then, even after having "fixed" each sentence individually, there's
  still a question of how they fit together to introduce the main point of your essay.  
  This modified paragraph doesn't set out any real thesis -- it's pretty much stuck 
  in the phase of summarizing your understanding of what Twain said, not indicating 
  what you want to say:

  In a normal life, a person has a great many different experiences and emotions
  as he or she matures. This continues until death, which is usually the result of 
  physical or mental deterioration.  The experience of Benjamin Button, who ages 
  backwards and becomes younger over time, contrasts sharply with this.
  His mind works differently since he feels his life is constantly improving and
  he sees that he can do more things as he ages chronologically, yet becomes
  physically younger. Most people try to make the most out of every second because 
  they don't know how long they will live.  Twain suggests that life would be more 
  fulfilling for those who could become progressively younger throughout their lives.  
  Finishing life aging in reverse would yield a less painful and heartbreaking end 
  than one produced by the ailments that come with a normal old age.


  I want to suggest that (in addition to getting some feedback from me) you 
  visit the Writer's Workshop with a draft before you submit the next writing 
  assignment for our class.  (Talk to Jack Haddon about this.  He has used the
  writing consultants there and I think it really helped him.) I think that could 
  be very helpful to help you to focus your ideas and express them more clearly.  

 
  Content -- B

  Structure/Mechanics -- C