Zack, 

     This is an improvement over the first version in that you are
   now, to a degree, addressing the actual question that was the focus
   of the assignment.  But I don't see that you have changed your 
   opening paragraph at all, so your thesis is not clearly stated
   at that point.  If you look at the assignment sheet for this paper
   you will see that the directions were very specific about what
   I was looking for in that opening paragraph.  You have not followed
   that here either.  

   Content/Evidence

   B+

   Structure/Mechanics

   B