Comments for Brendan Evitts

For some reason, I cannot open the file containing your paper using the 
Open Office software that I have on my HC computer today.  This is supposed to
be an open-source equivalent for the Microsoft Word, Powerpoint, Excel, 
etc. programs, but there are some incompatibilities that crop up from 
time to time, and there is some problem with that whole program today.
So I have to give you comments like this instead of being
able to insert them directly in the source file for the paper.  Sorry 
for the inconvenience.

I can see you have a definite thesis from your opening paragraph. And you 
have provided a lot of good evidence to support what you are saying.

However, the that opening paragraph and the rest of the paper could use a lot of 
work in terms of organization.  The opening paragraph is not structured well 
and it doesn't lead into the paper very effectively.  In the second sentence, 
the "similar to that of a lion" is tacked on at the end where it is not clear 
that that phrase is modifying the "behavior" -- it should go earlier.   Next 
sentence:  Why are "self-centered" and "selfish" different enough to put them 
both in?  Aren't they pretty close synonyms?  Or are you making a distinction?  
If so, explain.  The next three sentences just repeat the same points you have 
already made.  One thing you could do is to rewrite this paragraph to be a sort
of "index" or guide to the paragraphs that come after.  That's not always the 
best design but it often works.  

The sentence: "One would hope that after Odysseus realizes, 
“This was his song. And Odysseus wept.  Tears welled up in his eyes and flowed 
down his cheeks” (Book 8 564-565), that he would recant his violent ways and change, 
but this obviously is not the case."   is too choppy.  You need to find a better
way to include the quote without sticking it into the middle of your thought
this way.  Also, this is probably where you want to start a new paragraph 
because you're moving on to a new topic.  Second paragraph -- behavior at Troy
Next paragraph -- behavior at Ithaca in the massacre of the soldiers.  

But in fact the paragraph after that comes back to the episode of the cattle
of Helios.  You don't have to mention the episodes in the order they occur 
in the arc of the story, but for your point you probably WANT TO DO THAT -- you're
trying to say that Odysseus is exactly the same all the way through, so it
might be effective to take the episodes in order to demonstrate that.  

The sentences "Odysseus’ selfishness does not change even when he returns home to 
Ithaca. He bashes the generous Phaeacians when he says, “Those Phaeacian lords were 
not a wise as they seemed, nor as just, bringing me to this strange land."  could
also come at the start of a new paragraph -- cut the one you have into two 
shorter ones because they are discussing different episodes (different points
in your argument).  

Did you think about the scene at the very end of the story in Book 24?  Does
that tend to support your thesis?  (It really does and it would be another 
good point to bring out.)

The idea for the last paragraph you have is very good.  You are saying why you don't 
believe those apparently "softer" sides of Odysseus' nature are true indicators of
a change in his character.  But then it might be good to expand your last 
sentence into a concluding paragraph to round things out.  


Content/Evidence

B+

Structure/Mechanics

C+